Sensible scribbles _ 4am state of mind

Another week gone.

Almost two months now since l graduated as a landscape architect.
Progress = 0 ?? Others tell me no.
Maybe l can’t live without work? Why do we work? For economic stability?  Well, my parents tell me they are always going to be there if l need them for financial support, even leave enough back to help me survive after they are physically non existent. Then do l continue to want to work?

I am hating Netflix, Hulu, Amazon prime and all over entertainment websites. Hating social media. Reading mostly. Eating 1 – 1.5 meals a day that too when my stomach starts hurting.
Walks + art are not helping as much as before.

Stagnant.

Reflecting.

Realizing many decisions l made in life were wrong and I don’t really want my life to be just another conventional success story, just another dream coming true, with a degree from an ivy and a job in New York City.

Still searching.

Scared to be a disappointment to society, to my family, too many people looking up to me god  God knows why? See it’s hard trying to live a life for them. So hard!

Accepting is hard.

Yes l am grateful, very grateful for what I have today, but that doesn’t mean I am happy. See happiness is very personal, don’t think what makes you happy will make me happy too. Oh and stop judging my life according toy social media profile, seriously. My life is not only all the laughter and party’s and cooking.

Learning to be selfish, to look out for oneself before looking out for others. I know l will fail again, be hurt, because that is not me and I will let go again, fall hard and hurt my heart again.

See it’s hard to find your purpose in life when that 6 digit salary does not make you happy.
Maybe because l have always had access to money when I needed it alhamdullilah, maybe thats why l do not realize it’s immediate need. I do acknowledge it’s need and save, but it’s not something that drives me, it’s not my dream.

See it’s the happy faces of the human or non human children that makes me happy, it’s a backyard or a rooftop full of ripe produce that makes me feel satisfied, it’s a room full of drawings, maps and books that gets my heart racing, it’s seeing people with higher melanine content being accepted all around the world which gives me peace, it’s seeing a Muslim being treated like a human being which puts my heart at rest, it’s a drawer full of stones and dead organic matter, a shelf full of souvenirs from all over the world, a pair of comfortable shoes and a bag full of drawing materials that pumps life into me.

Then why am l doing what I am doing? Is it because l was born in a place where my dreams are ridiculed? Is it because l was bought up to dream “differently?”

Am l doing it because they said it was the right thing to do… But ideally l would just want to earn enough to be able to go see the next place, to buy seeds for new plants, to have enough to stay healthy.

And yes for that l come back to the start of this rambling… l keep asking myself to calm down and learn to stay put, learn to live the norm, because that is what I have been taught, because that is what is “good.”

I continue to try and become another success story.

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